Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Shove It Up Your A**

I have a sinus infection, and the doctor prescribes me an antibiotic. This seems like modern medicine...until she gives me the instructions and I get my prescription filled. It is a sachet of powder that I am to take dry. Already this does not sound promising. But the reality turns out to be far, far worse. Oh. My. God. These people are living in the Middle Ages. What the hell?! Have they not heard of capsules, or coated pills?!

It's about two tablespoons of something the texture of course salt. But it has an astringent, chemical taste that sends an immediate signal to my brain that I am being poisoned and, because of the texture, simultaneously gagged and asphyxiated. Have you ever tried to crush up a Sudafed for a child, hide it in yogurt or ice cream, then wondered why they were so melodramatic when they gagged at the taste? If not, you should try it, because it's so vile that the words "bitter" "chemical" and "disgusting" are completely inadequate. This antibiotic tastes like that, except I have two tablespoons of it, without the ice cream or yogurt.

Is this a photo of a pile of my antibiotics? Or of salt? You can't tell until you shove it down your throat in a dry, powdery, vomit-inducing heap. But I bet the salt would taste better.


I am supposed to take another follow-up sachet two weeks later, but it is so god-awful, I refuse to fill the prescription for it. I don't even care what form of crazy superbacteria I'm inadvertantly creating inside my body. Any bacteria that can withstand that disgusting medicine deserves a second chance.

While at the pharmacy, I attempt again to buy pediatric pain-killer, figuring I will have better luck the second time, now that I'm in a different shop. But no, again she offers it to me in just three forms: 1) a syrup, which is inconvenient to travel with and so revoltingly sweet even a six year old wants to wretch, 2) a powder sachet, which you are allowed to dissolve in a glass of water, thereby making it slide down easier but prolonging the taste torture, and 3) a suppository. Um, did I say it was for headaches? And for children? Seriously?! I'm sure my girls would love to be suffering a fever and have their medicine shoved up their asses. That'll really make them feel better. Needless to say, we instead have started telling all of our American visitors to bring us boxes of chewable kids' pain-killer.

It's clear that this is a country that is less "spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down" and more "take your medicine like a man."  Well, the next time my doctor tries to give me a sachet, you know where I'll want to tell her to shove it. And if I sound a little bitter, I am. But not as bitter as the medicine.


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